Vergessene Phrasen – forgotten phrases
„Spitz wie Nachbars Lumpi“
„Horny like neighbour´s Lumpi“. Doesn´t work in English. It´s not funny, not even nice. But what does it mean? And who is Lumpi?
Lumpi was a Dackel what is translated with dachshund or saussage dog – I´m not kidding – and they were quite popular in Germany from the 50ies to the 70ies. A Dackel is an ugly dog with short legs and a saussage-like body, formerly constructed for foxhuntig. They went down the holes and told the fox to leave, sometimes they got stuck and had to be digged out by the hunters, Wikipedia says their will to education is not very destinctive.
But this was not the reason why people these days liked these dogs. Germans like to command. But after loosing the big war it was not very appropriate to play the big commander in public, actually nobody in this world wanted to see any German giving commands to whatever, not even to the great German sheperd. And as Germans are also very obedient they stopped being masters under the eyes of the allies.
But, as everybody knows, feelings and desires burried deep inside the soul you don´t throw away like a used hankerchief, you need a lifetime therapy to get rid of these bad attitudes – if you´ll ever make it. Anyway, the Germans still needed something to command to. People failed, German sheperds reminded too much of the Nazi stuff, boots of shiny leather in the dark and barking „Sieg Heil“ in front of a concentration camp.
Bad times for the great commanders.
But then came Lumpi. Lumpi is not very German, except for being brown, he´s a little bastard pretending to be the good dog as long his owner is in the house, but as soon he leaves Lumpi jumps on the sofa and doesn´t give a shit. Unfortunately he always forgets to take along his bone jumping of the sofa again when the key turns in the door. So the commander commands again and Lumpi looks so much remorseful through his big sad eyes and everybody is happy again. Lumpi somehow was the psychiatrist of the defeated German mind. Thank you Lumpi. Now what the hell is the big case about Lumpi being horny? First of all being horny is not very German, actually it is not German at all. Che Guevara was sexy, JFK was sexy, Stalin was sexy in his days, Cleopatra, Gandhi and Mao were sexy. But how much sexy was Karl Marx? He looked like a goddamn Taliban! And does anybody think Hitler was sexy? Eva Braun (Eve Brown!) was an invention by Nazi strategics for not telling the people that the Führer is an one-balled virgin who never saw a pair of tits besides his mothers. Or fathers.
Germans are good in poetry, science, technics, they are good workers building cars and tanks but they are not sexy. Actually the only sexy German person in the last thousand years was Claudia Schiffer. But could you imagine her being naked? Or fucking the milkman? She was just perfekt, well, German. That´s all. Not even romantical. When a German gets romantical it ends up in suicide. A sexy German is like a communist from Texas, it simply doesn´t exist. Germans don´t have sex, they produce children.
As being horny is not a very nice habit for a German HIS Lumpi of course can not have it. HIS „good boy“ Lumpi is not wanting to have sex, he is not jumping at the leg of the guests, rubbing his dog penis at their pants and moving his ass back and forth like a little rabbit and finally leaving a spot of ejaculated Lumpi sperm. If there is a horny Lumpi in this world it only can be the son of a bitch from the neighbours.
Germans don´t like neighbours. They don´t trust them. Neighbours are different. They look different, they talk different, they smell different. But as it´s hard to ignore the neighbour so the best you can do is to attack him. If you don´t understand ´m kill ´m. Kill ´m all! As we all know they were not very succesful with that in the end but they tried hard. And as a German is a very obedient student he learned fast that it does not make any sense to try to kill the neighbour so he needed to act a bit more indirectly. And he starts mobbing. But to mob directly is not seen as very nicely and falls right back on you, so better mob the dog. Horny Lumpi = bad dog = bad neighbour = me being a good and honest person in this rotten world.
I admit, these times are gone, the Lumpis today are no Dackels any more, they are Chihuahuas called Paris or Daisy, as Germans too move more and more into this global herd of robots spoiled by television and propaganda from plastic selling major companies. Times are a changing and all you can do is to remember like it was before when things were easier. And hate was cheaper. I have to stop now, it is short after ten and I have to call the police for the asshole family below me again is not able to make their children shut up. And Lumpi: Get the fuck off the couch!